This article is based upon the collective findings of a number of studies conducted in a number of countries during the past 20 years. Female partners and mothers are the family members who have been most represented in the study samples, but the latter also included sizeable numbers of male partners, fathers, sisters, brothers and adult sons and daughters. Citing examples taken from the studies, the article describes some of the most prominent elements of the stressful experience of living with a relative who is drinking or taking drugs excessively, notably: the relationship with a relative becoming disagreeable and sometimes aggressive; conflict over money and possessions; the experience of uncertainty; worry about the relative; and home and family life being threatened. The reasons why family members may put up with substance misuse are described, and the ways in which family members may either withdraw and gain independence or stand up to substance misuse, as alternative ways of coping, are outlined. Examples of the strain experienced by family members are given. The kinds of social support valued by family members are explained, as is the finding that good quality social support for family members is often lacking. The article concludes by offering an integrated view highlighting the disempowered position in which family members usually find themselves and the importance of good social support for family members in their coping efforts. Although the picture is coloured by factors such as sociocultural group and the ages and genders of family members and their relatives, we believe the core experience for affected family members is a universal one. (Contains 2 tables and 3 figures.)