This article is a piece of "fiction written under oath." It reports two key findings of a doctoral research project, which investigated English teachers' reactions to the abolition of Year 9 SATs in England and in Wales. The research showed that in both countries, English teachers' pedagogical repertoires have widened as a result of the removal of SATs. However, in Wales, in the absence of external testing, teachers are coming under pressure to inflate assessments. The piece also engages with the theme of professional empowerment via doctoral level work and asks questions about the conventions of academic writing.