This essay explores the fantasy of a mother who wonders what her son would have been like if he were not severely disabled. For just one day, she confesses, she would like to know the anticipated son who disappeared from her life the day her disabled son was born, 21 years ago. The essay provides vivid examples of challenging experiences she has had with her son's autism and mental retardation, and it includes a list of recommended readings on parenting a child with a disability.