This article examines the complex relationship between England's new National Curriculum and the neoliberal reform of education known as GERM. It explores contradictions between economic functionality and Gove's nostalgic traditionalism. It critiques the new curriculum as narrow, age-inappropriate, obsessed with abstract rules, and poorly focused on enquiry and problem-solving: though battery-farming young children, it is therefore unlikely to lead to the cognitive development tested by PISA. Written just before the UK general election, its messages remain important as guidance for action and resistance.