The semiotics of the stuff faculty stick to their office doors has recently attracted scholarly interest. It has been noted that these office doors represent a blank canvas, a space that a professor can fill with images and texts that furnish clues to his or her beliefs, interests, and philosophy of learning. This present study was inspired by the author's many years of casual observation of materials festooning faculty doors in dozens of colleges and universities. He found that the American professoriate appears to gravitate toward two major classes of portal ornamentation: humorous items (cartoons, witty essays, and ironic or sarcastic screeds printed from Web sites or made at the department's photocopy machine) and pedagogical items (serious essays, announcements of conferences, and other discipline- or profession-oriented notices intended to give students and colleagues something to ponder while they are loitering in the halls outside the office). There are, of course, other modes of expression as well, including provocative political commentary, reproductions of famous works hanging in museums, and finger paintings by professorial spawn. The primary objective of this study was to determine the relative levels of zaniness and seriousness of faculty in various liberal arts disciplines, using college departments as proxies for the academic disciplines. (Contains 1 table and 4 endnotes.)